I opened the door abruptly to my first ever Qigong class at the Taoist Studies Institute on Phinney Ridge. There they were. A silent, standing group. Eyes closed. Deep in something. Standing still. It's 9:02am. I'm late. Always late. Dammit. I was panting. Out of breath from running down the street. As I nervously told my heart to stop pounding so loudly because all the eyes closed people must be looking at me, I debated turning around. I could leave. Easy to do. I made a mistake. Wrong building. I'll come back next week. I'll try yoga instead. My back hurts anyway.
Excuse after excuse. Tried of hearing my old worn out narratives of why I can't get strong. Why I can't heal my body. Why my hamstring hurts. Why not Now. Why it's better to start tomorrow. I took a breath and gently coached myself, Get in the circle. Find someone who looks like they know what they're doing.
And so, I joined. I found my guy. He's got it. I had no idea what I was doing. My lefts were his rights. My hands tangled and twisted while his flowed freely, deeply in, eyes closed. I was more like Dragon with one eye open. TWO eyes open. Every time I'd want to giggle or say something negative to myself, I stopped. Returned to my breath. This isn't Real Fear! A tiger comin' at me. Okay, panic. But not knowing Qigong? And maybe looking ridiculous? Come on, Wolf. You Got this. Spirit has your back.
~The Wolf